


long exposure

by nurul



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Feelings, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-14
Updated: 2014-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-13 02:52:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2134392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nurul/pseuds/nurul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It has been three years since Junhong last saw Yoo Youngjae, a photographer he used to work with in the past. And Yongguk is worried his dongsaeng is still in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	long exposure

Management grinds his nose to the stone; Junhong needs his career too much to complain. He needs Zelo nearly just as much as the fans do, thrives on the thrill of adrenaline. And if public appearances, sponsorships and the occasional modelling let him skateboard competitively, and take him far, then he'll do them. The people he works with make all the trouble worth it sometimes. But when he finds himself in front of one of the photographers he used to work with in the beginning, in the early stages of his meteoric rise as South Korea’s leading professional skateboarder, Junhong feels lost in a way that he hasn’t felt for a long time.

Youngjae offers him a small smile.

He doesn't know what to say. What do you say to someone you haven't seen, or heard from, in three years? So Junhong skates circles around him, which makes him laugh, and the tiny dimple he's always remembered surfaces at the corner of Youngjae's mouth.

"Hyung," says Junhong, arms hanging a little awkwardly by his side now that he's standing still. "Youngjae hyung. Hi. It's been... a while."

"Did you miss me?" asks Youngjae. His smile softens.

****

_"They told me you were seventeen. They didn't tell me you were this cute."_

****

It used to aggravate him, how promotions seem to take the time he could be using to hit a skatepark, but Junhong learnt to deal with it. He'd gotten as far as second at the last world tournament with them, he can handle a little necessary evil. They got easy in the beginning when he was introduced to Youngjae, who was all sass and ease.

In retrospect, he should've seen it coming. Nothing is ever easy.

He watches Youngjae throw his head back, laughing on the phone with someone during their break, while Junhong's getting his makeup retouched. For a split second, it looks as though Youngjae is looking right at him with a smile, but it is gone as quickly as it had come. Junhong probably just happened to be in his line of sight.

"You okay?" asks Jaehyo.

"Why wouldn't I be?" Junhong shoots back, nonchalant as can be.

Jaehyo pins him with a pointed stare. "I don't know. You tell me. You're smiling, then you're pouting - it's messing with me." He squints at Junhong. "And your makeup. Your pouting's ruining all the contouring. You're going to get me fired."

Junhong genuinely doesn't want him fired. He likes Jaehyo, even if he pays more attention to himself in the mirror than Junhong, and thinks no amount of makeup could possibly make him, or anyone else, half as handsome as he is. Another familiar ring of laughter draws his attention to Youngjae once more. He's walking towards Junhong now while still speaking to whoever it is on the phone. His hair is finally black after so long. He looks good.

"So distracted," Jaehyo mutters. He reaches for another brush. "You're weird sometimes, but not usually this weird. I swear it's like there's a girl you're trying to pretend not to want to impress."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Junhong murmurs. He sits up a little straighter when Youngjae hangs up on the phone and takes the empty seat beside him.

The look of comprehension that dawns on Jaehyo's face is irksome.

"I never know what to do during breaks," says Youngjae, restless. He keeps transferring his phone from one hand to the other. "It's just a lot of waiting. For stars like you."

Junhong makes a face. "I'm not a star. I just skateboard. You're the one jet setting, taking pictures of real, actual stars."

He ignores Jaehyo's snort. Youngjae grins, and makes a punching motion at Junhong's shoulder without actually making any contact with it - Junhong knows it's experience from incurring the wrath of a stylist.

"Still the same old Junhong," says Youngjae, smile lopsided. "Downplaying your own achievements like they're nothing. You're a star. You practically shot pro skateboarding to popularity singlehandedly here. And you were this close to finishing first at that last tournament."

"Didn't, though."

Youngjae's looking at him incredulously. "And I'm here, on the second day of shooting for your own company's promos. I take pictures of stars. Look at you, Zelo."

Junhong's face feels far too warm for his liking. To his relief, Jaehyo tells him to shut his eyes. Someone's calling for Youngjae, and he hears Youngjae's answering yell; he isn't sure if he's imagining it but he feels fingers brush against his own, and then there are footsteps moving away from him. He hears Jaehyo whistle. "That was entertaining. That was very entertaining. So how long has it been since you two hooked up?"

Junhong's grip on his chair relaxes. He says nothing.

****

It hadn't actually been Junhong's decision to hire Youngjae, but he hadn't really put up much of a fight either. Yongguk did. In fact, he had sat Junhong down, and grilled him for what felt like ages. Junhong had to wave him off, reassure him that it's all in the past, three whole years of it, and nothing serious had really happened.

"I'm not here as your CEO," Yongguk had told him. "I'm here as your hyung. Don't tell me nothing happened. I can still veto against him. He's not the only photographer in the world. I don't even know why they didn't keep their options to those who are actually in Korea -"

"He's the best," says Junhong.

Yongguk shrugged. "Debatable."

Anyone else would've missed the tension in Yongguk's shoulders, but Junhong isn't anyone else. They had grown extremely close since Yongguk's parents had taken Junhong in as one of theirs years ago, nigh inseparable. Junhong had taken to learning Yongguk's little tells so quickly, it had become second nature to him -- and to say he wasn't happy about Youngjae was an understatement.

Yongguk had, of course, eventually relented.

****

Not that it stops him from dropping by the studio as soon as they've wrapped. Junhong watches him begin a conversation with Youngjae as the staff returns his possessions to him. It's a perfectly civil reunion, but Junhong knows that it's mostly just that. Civil. They're sizing each other up, or at least Yongguk is. He isn't so sure about Youngjae anymore. Not that it matters, he tells himself. It's all strictly professional.

He joins them when his manager gives him the okay, and he navigates through the maze of cables on the ground with his skateboard, and jumps next to Youngjae.

"That was fun," says Junhong, studiously avoiding Yongguk's gaze.

He can still see him shaking his head from the corner of his eyes anyway. "You're supposed to be working hard, not having fun."

"Well, it was," Junhong says stubbornly, attention still on Youngjae. "It was hard work, but it was fun. Youngjae hyung always made it fun."

Youngjae grins at that. Three years later, and his smiles still wreak havoc on Junhong's insides effortlessly, breath catching in his throat. And then Youngjae's eyes widen, like he has just remembered something.

"Hey," he says brightly. "They're having a welcome home thing for me tomorrow night. I don't know if you know Jung Daehyun -"

Everyone knows Daehyun. It must have shown in their faces because Youngjae chuckles, a little self-deprecating, and slaps himself lightly. "Okay, fair enough. It's just, he's a friend -"

That would explain the picture of them in Bangkok on Daehyun's Instagram account over a year ago. Not that anyone's keeping track. Junhong was just browsing on Himchan's phone back then when he'd chanced upon it; he never knew they were acquainted with each other. He and Youngjae were standing really close together.

"- and I haven't been back in a while, so he insists on making a huge deal out of it, that Daebutt. It'd be, I don't know, kind of nice if you could come. I mean, if you're not busy -"

Yongguk interrupts him. "Zelo should probably check with his manager. We'll let you know then."

With that, the full force of those three years of radio silence sink in. Youngjae goes red, and he's trying to nod and wave his hand at the same time. Junhong doesn't know what to do or say; and Yongguk never refers to him as Zelo, especially not around friends. The one foot on his skateboard restlessly moves back and forth.

"Yeah," Youngjae says, quietly. His smile is strained. "I understand. Busy superstar Zelo. If you're coming, I guess you know - um, management knows where to find me. There'll be food, lots of it, knowing Daehyun, and alcohol... And I thought it'd be - nice. To drink with Zelo for the… for the first time."

Junhong digs his thumbs into his jeans. "Yeah. Yeah, it really would."

****

"Hyung," Junhong says, careful. He's not really in the mood for an argument; and he particularly hates arguing with Yongguk. "What was that about? Using that name. Speaking for me."

Yongguk raises an eyebrow. "Doing my job. And Zelo? That's your name, isn't it?"

"Hyung."

They both fall silent, mostly, only exchanging a few words with others until they've slid into Himchan's waiting car. Yongguk tugs at the hem of his suit jacket, and runs a palm down the front. Junhong waits.

"You still have feelings for him," Yongguk says, straight to the point.

Junhong's ready to protest, deny everything, but his lips fall shut when Himchan's phone starts ringing. They pull over because Himchan hasn't had his broken Bluetooth headset replaced yet, and the call is from his modelling agency, so he steps out of the car, leaving Junhong alone with Yongguk, who's regarding him with unmasked skepticism.

"Probably. I don't know," Junhong confesses. He looks away, and leans against the window. "I don't know, it's been years. But I'm not a teenager anymore, hyung. I can take care of myself."

He's suddenly tired. Junhong loves his brother, but he's just a little tired of Yongguk protecting him from everything. The song from the radio barely cuts through the air, even as they lapse into silence once more. Himchan had probably turned the volume down earlier when they'd started talking. Junhong recognises the refrain anyway; anyone who hasn't been living under a rock would. It's one of Daehyun's. The boy whose rise to fame seemed to outshadow his own. Everyone loves music. It's accessible, and Daehyun's has reached far beyond the borders of the country. Junhong isn't sure how long he and Youngjae had been friends - if they'd met when Youngjae was off seeing the world, or if they'd known each other long before Daehyun's debut.

He can still feel the weight of Yongguk's scrutiny. The car door opens, and Junhong looks to the front, catching Himchan's eye in the rearview mirror. The latter sends him a sympathetic smile, and starts to drive. He's not really their driver; he just owed Yongguk a favour, so he's agreed to drive them around for a week. Their real driver had to take urgent leave on short notice, citing family emergency - of course Yongguk had let him go. He'd liked Youngjae a lot, their driver; he'd be pleased to see him again. Everyone used to like Youngjae.

Junhong hears Yongguk sigh beside him. "That's what I'm worried about."

****

Jongup's half asleep, curled around the arm of the couch, but he hums in response when Junhong nudges his thigh with a finger.

"Hyung," Junhong begins slowly. "Are you going to Youngjae hyung's party?"

"The one tomorrow night?" asks Jongup, and shrugs when Junhong nods. "Yeah, probably. It's Youngjae hyung. Unless they tell me to change one of my choreographies. Again."

The television is showing some drama that Junhong isn't really paying attention to. He watches Jongup yawn and rub at one eye until the latter looks up at him again. Junhong hugs his knees to his chest. "I'm not going."

Jongup nods absentmindedly, then frowns.

"It's not anything," says Junhong. "There's just this thing the next morning, and then more promos all day. I'm going to be wiped out if I go, they say I need rest or something."

"Oh," is all Jongup says. His face is dead serious; Junhong almost laughs. "Is it weird if I go?"

There's a minor lull in their conversation before Jongup finally shrugs, mostly to himself and changes the topic slightly as he picks at a stray thread in the sofa. "How did the photo shoot go? It's over now, right?"

"Guess so," Junhong replies. "Yongguk hyung dropped by."

Jongup winces, and sits up. Junhong shakes his head. "It's not as bad as it sounds."

"No way," says Jongup. "Look, I can only guess what happened between the both of you, but whatever it is doesn't sound good and Yongguk hyung-"

"You make it sound like Youngjae hyung and I had a fight," Junhong cuts in, laughs a little. They honestly hadn't. "We didn't. Really. Himchan hyung just made it sound worse than it really is."

"But you unfollowed him on Instagram," Jongup argues. "And then suddenly none of you are talking to each other anymore. And you unfollowed him on Instagram."

Junhong laughs again, a little hysterically. "I unfollowed everyone."

"To mask the fact -"

To Junhong's relief, Jongup is interrupted by the door loudly banging shut in the hallway, succeeded immediately by what suspiciously sounds like kissing, and moaning. Jongup and Junhong exchange mingled looks of disgust, amusement and curiosity before the sounds stop - clearly whoever they are must've heard the shrill noise emanating from the television, and realised they weren't alone in the house. There's laughter, and then the door opens and shuts, more quietly this time. Yongguk appears around the corner, hair unkempt, face red and lips swollen. But no one else is there with him. He smiles at them sheepishly.

"Hyung, who was that?" asks Junhong.

Yongguk reaches for the back of his neck, and rubs there. "Me?"

"You were talking to yourself," Junhong deadpans. "And making really convincing kissing noises. By yourself."

"Yes."

"Really," says Jongup.

Yongguk's lips are pressed together in a thin line, obviously reining in laughter. But then he grins, mostly gum. "Lots of people talk to themselves, kids. By the way, Junhong ah, bumped into Manager Kang earlier, he says to check your phone."

"Don't change the subject!" Junhong yells when Yongguk ducks into the kitchen.

"Fine! It was someone, but it's not important!"

Thrilled, they quickly jump over the couch to trail after him, and finds him with his head buried in the refrigerator. Without turning around, he tells them to go away. Junhong doesn't think he's actually looking for anything in there, unless his dignity is stashed in there somewhere.

"Come on," wheedles Jongup. "You and Himchan hyung poke your noses into our love lives all the time. You owe us."

Yongguk makes an indignant, choked noise. "I do not."

"Was it a guy?" Junhong presses, pouting even though Yongguk refuses to get his head out of the fridge. He's going to catch a cold at this rate. "Do we know him? Is he good looking?"

Jongup looks confused. "I've never seen Yongguk hyung willingly hanging out with anyone who isn't good looking? Have you?"

"Whose side are you on here?"

"Yours?!"

The distraction gives Yongguk the opportunity to shut the fridge door silently, and sneak out of the kitchen unnoticed by his squabbling dongsaengs. Just outside stands his sister Natasha, who looks pointedly at him, annoyed; they must've been too noisy. He offers her an apologetic smile and bumps his shoulder against hers.

****

_"I bet Natasha noona thinks I'm cute."_

_"You wish, hyung."_

_"Nah. You think I'm cute too."_

****

"Good morning, your highness, here's your charger." Himchan tosses a portable charger at him. Junhong grunts in response, still too sleepy to function properly.

His phone charger stopped working last night, and everyone else's bedrooms were locked, so he couldn't borrow theirs. He's going to have to find a new one later; at least the warranty's still valid. He would've called Manager Kang using their home phone but it was past midnight when Yongguk had returned. Even his usually placid manager would not be happy.

"Hyung," says Junhong, puts on his puppy dog eyes. "Can we make another stop first, please?"

****

"Still using that face to get what you want," Himchan grumbles, and makes a grab for the side of his face again; Junhong ducks. "Aish. I'm too old for this."

"Hyung. You're only 27."

Himchan hysterically bats at the air in front of Junhong. "Shut! Quiet! Don't say it so loud."

Since discovering a strand of grey hair in the shower, Himchan has been incredibly touchy about his age. Junhong's biting his bottom lip, in an attempt to suppress his laughter when he hears a very familiar voice call their names.

"Oh. Youngjae ah," says Himchan, the expression on his face stern. "When were you going to reach out to your old hyung, hmm?"

"I... I invited you to my party?" Youngjae replies warily. "I - You got the invite, right? Hyung -"

The sternness melts, makes way for a wide grin, and Himchan bursts into laughter as he's reaching out for a hug. "I've missed you, dongsaeng. Idiot. I told you I don't have your new number, you should've called me as soon as you were here."

They're quiet for a moment, all three of them, right in the middle of the store. Himchan hasn't let go of Youngjae, whose face is hidden in Himchan's thin shoulder. Junhong's pulling at the mask wrapped around his wrist when the assistant returns with the charger he was looking for, and he shuffles to the side to sign the paperwork. The phone buzzes with the messages he's finally getting from Manager Kang. He opens the oldest one.

Saturday schedule 100% cleared. Postponed.

That's tomorrow.

"You know there's a desktop app for that, right?" says Himchan from behind him, peering over his shoulder at his phone. "Oh, you don't have anything on Saturday anymore! I can bring my very, very young dongsaeng to the party now, and be young by proxy."

Himchan sticks his bony nose into everything.

"How -?" Junhong's eyes are narrowed. Yongguk wouldn't have said anything.

"Jonguppie."

The traitor. Youngjae watches him, uncharacteristically quiet.

****

Manager Kang drops him off at Youngjae's flat. Junhong feels a little naked without a skateboard, already beginning to regret letting Manager Kang convince him to leave it with him in the car, so he stuffs his thumbs into his pockets. The building is new, very new - even the paint on the walls still looks fresh and clean. Junhong looks at the address on his phone, noting that he's nearly an hour late. But it's not as if Youngjae is going to be angry with him for it.

There's a car a little ways off that oddly catches his attention. A thin layer of dust coats its dark blue surface, marred by a poorly disguised scratch on a door on the driver's side. The windows are tinted, but Junhong can make out a miniature skateboard, an exact replica of one he had bought for Youngjae as a joke, hanging from the rearview mirror. He briefly entertains the idea that the car might be Youngjae's, but it's not possible. Youngjae doesn't even know how to drive, and always used to be reluctant to learn. He was absolutely awful when they all once played car racing games at Jongup's. They all were, except for Himchan, who won every single time, even when Yongguk had once tried sitting in front of him to block his view of the screen.

And Youngjae was even worse at Go Karting.

Junhong tells himself he's seeing things that aren't really there, and finally enters the building.

****

The door opens, and he is met with a man he instantly recognises as Daehyun, holding a large bowl of chips. It's weird seeing a face he's only ever seen in pictures in real life.

"You're Zelo Choi," says Daehyun, awed.

"Junhong is fine," he says, shrugging.

Daehyun's smile is blinding. "I'll go get Youngjae. Wow. It's so great to finally meet you."

Like Junhong is the one they play on the radio practically non-stop.

Junhong doesn't know most of the people in the room, but he smiles whenever he makes eye contact with anyone, wandering into the kitchen, where he finds Himchan and Yongguk locked in a kiss. Junhong feels his jaw drop, but then he's being tugged out of the kitchen by his shirt sleeve, and turns around to find his face far too close to Youngjae's for comfort.

"Let them be," Youngjae breathes out. His eyelashes are kind of long.

Neither of them moves an inch. Junhong doesn't dare be the first to do it. He notices that he has somehow forced Youngjae up a small stool in the corner when he turned around earlier - he would laugh if he could even breathe.

"You knew?" Junhong asks. "When did this happen?"

"Himchan hyung emails," says Youngjae, smiling softly. He doesn't look away. "Never stopped, even when I went for weeks without replying. Forced me to Skype him a lot. I know Yongguk hyung is really only here because of him."

Junhong goes silent. There is little point in denying it.

"I'm really glad you came." Youngjae's eyelashes are really distracting.

"There you are," Daehyun pauses. "Okay. I never realised Zelo's this tall."

Youngjae blinks, and look down. Junhong's heart jumps when Youngjae laughs; he feels stupid and eighteen all over again. He steps back, away from Youngjae.

"I don't know how this stool got here," Youngjae says, running a palm down the side of his face, like he's just woken up. "What is it, Daehyun?"

"Did I interrupt something -"

"No, it's fine. Daehyun, this is -"

"We met earlier," says Junhong. "And I told you Junhong's fine."

Youngjae beams at them, and chuckles when a chip misses Daehyun's mouth and drops to the floor. Junhong already wants to reevaluate his decision making process.

****

At fifteen, Junhong followed Yongguk to America for a year, and the kids struggled to remember his name, so a teacher started calling him John, figuring it's not so far from Junhong. He absolutely hated it, hated the arbitrariness of the name, but felt reluctant to say anything.

But then they saw him on his skateboard, and one of the older, popular girls pointed out that he moves like jello because of the way his lithe body bends, defying gravity, so they started calling him that instead. Junhong didn't really mind, partly because she was pretty (her eyes were really grey), partly because he happens to like jello, but mostly because it felt more like a nickname than a whole new name. He started spelling his name as Zelo Choi on all his homework.

"So that's the real reason your name is Zelo?" Daehyun is utterly fascinated.

It's not really that fascinating. He has told everyone this story, every interviewer who asked. Junhong thinks Daehyun is kind of overselling it, but he shrugs, and leaves it at that. Youngjae had disappeared a while ago, leaving him alone with Daehyun. Junhong has never been that great of a conversationalist, especially among strangers - he feels almost relieved when he finally spots Jongup in the crowd, and starts waving madly at him.

Jongup's laughing when he joins them. "I was beginning to think you chickened out."

"What are you chickening out from?" asks Daehyun.

Junhong is going to kill Jongup in his sleep. "Jongup, Daehyun. Daehyun, Jongup."

Considering the fact that everyone in the room knows who Daehyun is, Junhong knows the introduction is wholly unnecessary, but he is desperate to change the subject. Jongup, however, doesn't seem to get this. "I know," he says, smiling blithely. "I choreographed one of his performances."

Junhong is already thinking of creative ways to hide a body.

"Your newest choreography is amazing, by the way," says Daehyun, leaning closer to Jongup than he really needs to. "Really let that boy group hide how poor half of their singing actually is."

Jongup looks incredibly pleased. Himchan is going to have to deal with Jongup's passing somehow. Apparently, his best friend seems to like Daehyun. It makes Junhong feel a little sick in the stomach, so he excuses himself, explaining that he needs the bathroom. Daehyun helpfully provides him with the directions to the guest bedroom without being asked - clearly, he's more than familiar with Youngjae's flat. For some reason, Junhong hates how little it makes him feel. Even Youngjae's taste in decor feels foreign to him somehow.

All Junhong does when he's alone in the bathroom is stare blankly into the mirror, vaguely registering how clean, and new everything is. He's secretly a little bit vain about his hair. It's his main indulgence, at least after he'd left Mokpo with Yongguk. Junhong had spent hours earlier, anxiously trying to perfect his hairstyle; he feels like a bit of an idiot.

There's a knock at the door.

"Junhong?" It's Yongguk.

He sighs, then blows his fringe out of his eyes. "Hyung?"

"You okay in there?"

"Yeah," says Junhong, voice raised so it carries through the door. "Yeah I'll be out in a sec."

****

"So when were you going to tell me about Himchan hyung?"

The flush that appears on Yongguk's face feels like a victory to Junhong, and the lack of a verbal response even more gratifying. Like the tables have finally been turned. When they're back outside, Jongup is dancing mostly by himself, cheered on by the crowd that has gathered around him - and Daehyun is the loudest of them all.

"Daehyun somehow convinced Jongup to dance," Himchan tells them. "I love Daehyun."

Junhong barely manages to refrain from rolling his eyes. It's fortunate because at that precise moment, Youngjae appears beside him, holding two shots in his hands. "First legal drink with Junhong," Youngjae says into his ear; Junhong shivers a little in spite of himself.

There's something unrecognisable in Youngjae's gaze after they've downed their shots, but he looks away before Junhong can even think.

"It's getting late," says Youngjae. "We really should move this somewhere else soon before the neighbours start complaining. I kind of really like it here, I hope to stick around."

"Is Daehyun even allowed?" Himchan asks, but he perks up. "Being an idol and all."

Youngjae shrugs. "It was his idea anyway, so I guess so. Probably has to bring security with him." He notices Yongguk's carefully blank expression. "It's okay if you guys aren't coming."

"Are you kidding me?" Himchan's voice goes slightly shrill. "Look at Jongup! We're coming."

The sight of Daehyun throwing an arm around Jongup and resting their heads together nearly makes Junhong refute Himchan's assent, and Youngjae smiling fondly at the former is even worse, but Himchan has his eye on him. Junhong immediately heads for the alcohol.

****

In Junhong's defence, he does try to have fun. Daehyun hasn't left Youngjae's side since they've arrived at Gangnam, and their shameless attempt at grinding sets Junhong's teeth grinding, but he has enough alcohol in his bloodstream to keep his head from thinking too much. He's been dancing with the prettiest girl he could find, pleased when she lets him hold her by the curve of her waist. Her bright red curls remind him of a girl he'd dated a year ago, and even genuinely liked, until her parents had told him he travels around too much - they wanted someone more present for their daughter.

The irony isn't lost on him. But it doesn't matter.

What matters right now is the swell of the girl's hip against his palm as they move to the pulsating electronic music, punctuated by flickering neon lights. He knows she's not alone; her friends are dancing within an arm's reach, where they can keep an eye on her. Junhong knows the drill. But then, he recognises the glances one of the girls send their way, the alcohol dulling his senses - she's jealous. She's jealous, and it's not of Junhong's partner.

Junhong sort of pushes his partner gently towards her friends, smiling apologetically. She shakes her pretty head, amused, and returns to them when he walks away in search of the men's room. He changes his mind, the bottom of his stomach sinking, when he finds Youngjae and Daehyun entering it together, and decides to leave instead.

****

_"If you ever go to Mokpo, you have to try the octopus."_

_"Ooh, octopus. Okay. But only if you come with me."_

****

The scratching of wheels against concrete has always been comforting to Junhong. When Yongguk's parents had let Junhong stay with them, he'd only had with him the clothes on his back, a makeshift knapsack with some food and the ratty, old skateboard he'd once salvaged from the trash. It'd been his sole comfort while he wandered the streets of Mokpo, evading the authorities. He didn't want to be put back into the orphanage he'd escaped from, the one next to the church where his mother had apparently left him at. Or so he'd been told as a child.

Yongguk found him trying to save a piece of bread he had dropped into the mud, shabby skateboard tucked between his skinny legs. He was taller than Junhong back then, so Junhong had to crane his neck upwards to decide if Yongguk was an undercover policeman, if he needed to lie or run. In his hand was some octopus, fresh from the smell of it. Junhong's stomach rumbled so embarrassingly loudly, he scowled a little, defensive. Yongguk had only given him a small smile.

"Want some?" Yongguk had asked, offering him the open container. "My parents bought too much. They think I need fattening up."

Junhong had only stared at him.

"You don't remember me, do you?" he asked again. Junhong did. He'd returned Yongguk his wallet the day before, after stealing it back from another pickpocket, because Yongguk had bought a trinket from the kind granny, who always gave Junhong the food she sells for free, and paid her more than he needed to - he didn't know how Yongguk had found him again.

"It's not poison," he'd said, swallowed a small piece. "See? I'm not dying. What's your name?"

He'd been left in a church as a baby. But that day, Yongguk had given Junhong a home. His parents hadn't been too happy with Yongguk at first; they couldn’t just keep every stray Yongguk finds. But Junhong cleaned up well, remembered his manners, and they had all grown too fond of him. Yongguk had even taken a part time job to help pay for his school. When he told Youngjae this story, he had laughed, and told him no one could have resisted baby Choi Junhong. "How could anyone not love Choi Junhong? One look at the dimple and they were probably gone," he had said, ruffling his hair and laughed when Junhong scowled.

But Junhong has been abandoned twice now.

****

He didn't escape from a meeting for this.

Junhong doesn't know how Daehyun had found him, but the latter has been watching him skate for the past half hour with only his phone for company. He says he's waiting for his manager to pick him up later for an interview, that he happened to be in the vicinity of the skatepark so he decided to drop by because Youngjae once told him this was his favourite. But he still doesn't understand why he chose to wait here of all places. Junhong nearly flubs a stunt and picks it up at the last minute, but Daehyun is only even more impressed.

"I've seen your stuff on YouTube," says Daehyun loudly, over Junhong's skating. "I don't know anything about it, technical-wise, but it looks amazing. It's too bad you're in between tournaments, I would've liked to see you compete in real life."

Junhong flips in mid air from the ramp and lands on his feet easily, chooses to ignore Daehyun.

"Do you hate me or something?" asks Daehyun, plaintive. "Is it my music? It's my music, isn't it? Pop music is... easy to hate, all in-your-face marketing, I know it's not for everyone."

The question makes Junhong feel sort of awful. "I listen to hip hop," he offers instead.

"Ah," Daehyun says. "Youngjae got me to listen to a bit of Eminem once."

The guilt immediately vanishes; Junhong has to refrain from scowling - he was the one who had introduced hip hop to Youngjae. His foot is on the skateboard again when Daehyun says it:

"Are you and Youngjae okay?"

Junhong tenses. "Why wouldn't we be?

"It's just that, I care about him and it's -"

"I'm not going to do anything, if that's what you're asking."

Daehyun looks momentarily taken aback, but then it's gone. "Th - that's. Okay?"

The response is irritatingly vague, neither confirming nor denying anything. Junhong supposes it's something he picked up from years of idol training and interviews, but still, he wonders what Daehyun is trying to achieve. Everything he does makes him seem like an open book, but the words are completely foreign. Junhong doesn't think it's worth the effort.

"Maybe I should go," says Daehyun.

Junhong doesn't reply.

****

One of Daehyun's music videos is playing on the television when Junhong, Yongguk and Himchan are squeezed into one sofa after dinner, which isn't instant ramen for the first time in days - courtesy of Himchan. He looks positively delighted by the video. Junhong is tired.

"I'm not going to lie," says Himchan. "I'd do Daehyun. It's the country boy thing. Those lips."

"What's wrong with mine?" Yongguk grumbles, snatching the bowl of ice cream from Himchan.

"I can't believe it. You're jealous. I never thought I’d see the day."

They're both disgusting, and Junhong wants nothing to do with this, but he's exhausted from an entire day of meetings, staring at skateboard gear designs, and hand shaking. He's grateful for his career trajectory and happy for Himchan and Yongguk, truly, but at this rate, he's starting to prefer not knowing. He whines at them to shut up, but they both ignore him, so he glares at Daehyun on the screen instead.

"I'm just asking what's so wrong with mine that you have to look at other's."

He doesn't even have to look to know that Yongguk's entire face is red.

"Oh my god," Himchan says. He sounds too pleased. "I'm just saying, you know. I'm not actually going to do anything untoward to his lips. Unless you'd consider a threesome -"

Junhong just wants someone to shoot him. A sniper from the window. Anything. He shuts his eyes and claps his hands to his ears when he hears kissing, and only opens them again when he feels the couch move from someone standing up. Yongguk looks like the cat that got the cream; Junhong feels like he needs a long, particularly cleansing shower from the inside.

"Relax, hyung," says Junhong, as he leaves to take that shower. "He and Youngjae hyung are probably a thing. You're more likely to lose him to Jongup hyung instead."

****

"Don't you think Youngjae's had enough punishment?"

Junhong quickly backtracks, and stands behind a wall.

He hears glass thud against wood. "No."

"No, no, no," says Himchan. "It's always no. You never even asked Youngjae for his side of the story, did you? Do you even know what actually happened, other than the fact that he let Junhong drink? Because I do. They got drunk. They kissed. Finally. Because they're idiots who didn't know how to handle their emotions without help. That's it. That's the story. I never told you because I know how you are about Junhong. Honestly, you're more like his father, it's a little creepy actually."

"I thought they slept together," Yongguk says so quietly, Junhong almost misses it.

Himchan laughs humourlessly. "I should've known. My dumb, stupid, overprotective moron. How are you so clever, and yet so stupid at the same time? They were careless, and Youngjae's the older one. I know. Youngjae left. I know. But you were so busy trying to protect Junhong, you forgot that yeah, the law made Youngjae an adult, but he's still only two years older than Junhong when you confronted him. He won't tell me what you said to him, but he was scared. The law already isn't on his side for being gay, he didn't need more ammunition against him."

Junhong slides to the ground, and hugs his knees to his chest. He'd told Yongguk over, and over again that nothing had happened, and he never knew Yongguk had done that.

"You know," Himchan continues, a little more gently this time. "You and I would probably never have happened if he never listened to me talk for hours and hours after you broke up with her, and helped me figure out that I was in love with you. He’s always there to listen. This is so stupid, Gukkie. We were all friends before. We met Youngjae through Junhong's work, but we were friends. We're adults. All of us, now, even baby Junhongie. Shouldn't we be better than this?"

****

_"Ah, I'm so full. Your mum put so much food on my plate. I think she loves me more than you."_

_"Aish. No, she doesn't. Go away."_

****

It is supposedly Yongguk's idea to get them all to have lunch together at their old haunt, a hidden tiny cafe tucked away from the hustle and bustle of Seoul. He'd even patted Youngjae on the back awkwardly, but it's enough to dispel a little of the tension that still hangs in the air. Jongup's seated in between Junhong and Youngjae, with Himchan facing the latter. Himchan looks thoroughly satisfied.

"It's good to have the whole gang back together," says Himchan. He raises his Americano to lips but then he stops, cup hanging in midair. "Did you ask Daehyun to come along, Youngjae?"

This wasn't part of the deal, Junhong thinks. Yongguk doesn't look too happy about it either.

"He couldn't come," Youngjae says, and Junhong nearly sighs in relief. "But he says he'll text and drop by if we're still around when he can."

Himchan looks slightly disappointed; the tension in Yongguk's shoulders vanishes; Junhong prays Daehyun never shows up; and Jongup is entirely unmoved by the turn of events. He's happily munching on his leafy greens when the waiter comes around with the rest of their drinks.

"There's a bit of salad dressing on your chin, Uppie," says Himchan, passing him a serviette.

"Uh, so, Youngjae ah," Yongguk says, which startles Junhong enough that he chews a bit too hard on the piece of chicken in his mouth. "What's... your next photography assignment?"

They're all met by silence so awkward, Junhong can almost picture tumbleweed rolling behind him. He continues to chew on the chicken, even though it's probably already more than small enough to pass through his oesophagus without much trouble, nervous about what would happen if he attempts to swallow anything.

Thankfully, Youngjae eventually answers. "I - I'm sending my portfolio around, and there's a CF coming up. So there's - that. I guess. It's... coming along..."

Yongguk nods. "That's good. Good."

Himchan is torn between exasperation and laughter; Junhong finally swallows the chicken; and Jongup only watches them, his eyes darting between his two oldest hyungs, before quietly picking up his drink.

"Ooookay," says Himchan, and then points at Yongguk. "I'm going to need you to buy me a thing later after we're done eating. A very nice thing. But I'm also going to do you a nice thing for trying to get me this nice thing anyway."

It's completely random, confusing and yet, also deeply suspicious. Junhong's not sure they're talking about an actual object that can be bought, but then Himchan starts going through a list of things he apparently needs, so Junhong gives up on thinking and stabs at another beef strip with his fork instead.

****

After Jongup excuses himself because he has a meeting at the other end of Seoul, Himchan tugs a reluctant Yongguk away, ostensibly to get Yongguk to buy something for him, just as they had discussed earlier. Junhong quickly tells them to get a pair of socks for him, and then squirms when he realises he's been left alone with Youngjae, who looks to the right from his slice of cake to watch him.

Youngjae is the first to break the silence. "I took my parents to Mokpo when I first came back. It rained nearly the entire time we were there, and I gave them my umbrella until we could find another. I kind of caught a cold after that for a couple of days."

Junhong mumbles an apology, as though he has any control over the weather. "Did you try any octopus?"

"No. But my mother did. The freshness nearly brought her to her knees."

"Ah, that's good. She's always had great taste."

"Yeah, she does," says Youngjae, smiling at Junhong. "You were right, you know... What you used to say. She did actually love you more. She wouldn't stop talking about you."

He's not entirely surprised, if he's being completely honest - it's Youngjae's mother they're talking about. She always used to be extremely kind to him, back when he would sometimes come around for dinner, and yet, Junhong feels his face flush anyway, even though the smug smile comes to him automatically, too. "It was a joke," Junhong says. Youngjae chuckles.

"You're still the same," he tells Junhong. "The shy peacock."

Junhong runs a finger along the rim of his iced tea. "You're kind of different."

"Different good, or different bad?"

He doesn't have the answer to that, so he shrugs. The skin at the back of his neck feels like it's crawling when Youngjae doesn't take his eyes off him. It doesn't mean anything, especially not to Youngjae, and it shouldn't mean anything. This is only one of those casual conversations between old friends.

"You didn't say goodbye after the party," Youngjae says. Junhong grimaces at that.

"Yeah, well, I didn't feel like dancing anymore, and couldn't find anyone, and I really didn't want to find Himchan hyung and Yongguk hyung, whatever they were doing, so I kind of just left."

"With that girl? She was very pretty," says Youngjae. "I could get her number for you, if you like. Daehyun probably knows her. Daehyun probably even knows the president."

It's a perfectly normal topic of conversation to broach, but for some reason, Junhong has to put in the effort to laugh. He hates how the words get under his skin. "Yeah. Yeah, that'd be great," Junhong says, and pretends to take a sip from his now mostly empty mug of hot chocolate because he doesn't trust himself not to make things uncomfortable. He's pretty sure he automatically scowls at the thought of Daehyun, and he doesn't want Youngjae to know.

"She was actually the one who wanted to go, you know," Youngjae says. Junhong frowns, confused, which makes Youngjae laugh, and shake his head. "My mother. I asked her where she wanted to go together, and she picked Mokpo."

Junhong feels like he's missing something crucial here, some kind of code that he isn't equipped to decipher, especially not with this new, updated version of Youngjae. The learning curve is too steep for him. But before Junhong can even attempt to figure it out, Daehyun appears by Youngjae's side - it's apparently become a sort of pattern with them.

"What the hell, how did you even know where to look?" asks Youngjae, shoving at Daehyun.

"Please," says Daehyun, as he takes a seat in the empty bench in front of them. "You talked about this place so often, and I always listen. I'm a great listener. Especially if it's Yoo Youngjae, my favourite photographer of all time. I feel like I've been here before. Also, there's Google Maps, dummy. Hey, Junhong. Cool snapback."

Youngjae rolls his eyes, but his cheeks have gone pink. The cap is Junhong's favourite, but he's pretty sure he wants to set it on fire now. He pulls the corners of his lips up anyway.

"Didn't you say there'd be all five of you though?" Daehyun asks, as he helps himself to the last of Youngjae's chicken, using the same fork Youngjae has been using.

"Jongup had work," says Youngjae, halfheartedly flicking at Daehyun's hand. He shakes his head when Daehyun happily waves the food in the air out of Youngjae's reach; Junhong feels like burying his face in his hands. "So he left early. Himchan hyung and Yongguk hyung went somewhere but I think they'll be back soon. So it's just me and Junhong now."

He gives Junhong a soft smile as he says the last part. It makes Junhong's hand reach upwards to rub at the back of his neck before he even realises it, and coughs as he averts his gaze onto the table, studiously ignoring Daehyun carefully observing them in between taking bites of the chicken. As if waiting to see if Junhong's about to try something. If Daehyun still doesn't believe Junhong isn't the type of guy who would get between a relationship, then it's not his problem.

"That's good," Daehyun says, words muffled from the bit of food left in his mouth. Junhong tries not to judge. "Not good for Jongup though. I really was looking forward to seeing him again, but good because at least the hyungs are still around, and a noraebang session would be so much fun with more people. Maybe Jonguppie can join us later!"

He can't see Youngjae's reaction, but the surprise in his voice is evident. "Huh?"

"I felt bad about missing out on lunch when Himchan hyung asked me so I thought we could have some fun together later. Plus you still refuse to sing for me, so noraebang is the only way."

"Absolutely not. I'm not the one who sings for a living here!"

"Youngjae ah, modest is not a good look on you." Himchan cuts in, appearing next to Junhong, with Yongguk in tow. "I'm sure he's good enough to be an idol if he wanted to, probably. Or one of those indie musicians, but I'm sure you're more about the idol life."

"When did you even hear me sing?!"

"But you used to sing all the time," says Junhong. Everyone stares at him; and Junhong doesn't get it. Youngjae did always use to sing. He remembers when Youngjae would let him listen to his R&B tunes on his iPod and he would sing along while they lay in Junhong's bed.

"Well. Apparently you only sing for Junhong," says Himchan. It twists something awful in Junhong's chest. "Which is just unfair. Do you not have any love at all left for your hyung? Especially me, Kim Himchan, the one hyung who has so much faith in you??"

Youngjae's muttering something unintelligible under his breath, and Daehyun looks entirely too satisfied with himself, but Junhong can't help but ruminate: _you only sing for Junhong_.

****

Junhong can't sing.

His voice isn't bad per se; he can carry a tune if he can say so himself, at least. He's known this all his life, but he's never been so keenly aware of it until now. Next to Daehyun, who seems to sound alright even when he's clearly fooling around, he feels like an incompetent idiot. Youngjae and Daehyun are on their second duet of the evening, and while Youngjae blows a kiss at Daehyun, laughing, Junhong excuses himself, and ignores the stare Yongguk levels his way from the plush seat in the corner. Thankfully, he doesn't follow.

The ground outside the noraebang building is littered with cigarette butts, and the odd flattened packet drink. Junhong vaguely, contemplates smoking just so he could have some kind of legitimate excuse being out here while everyone else is inside. He thinks of the yellow grins and tobacco breaths some of the older kids had back on the streets of Mokpo and shakes his head.

"What are you shaking your head about?"

Junhong looks up. It's Jongup, hair windswept into a center parting. He looks exhausted so Junhong refrains from pointing it out, and shrugs at the question instead. "Left work early?"

"I begged off," Jongup says. "I was working more than the promised hours anyway. This boy group is hopeless. Their debut is going to bomb. At least I'm getting paid for their hopelessness, but I'm so not listing them in my resume. This goes forgotten. Even Daehyun had better moves, and between you and me, he's lucky he can sing."

Junhong snorts. "Sure. Yeah."

"Wow. You really don't like Daehyun.”

"What? No, I don't kn -"

"Yeah, no, you really don't," Jongup insists, clapping Junhong on his shoulder. Junhong doesn't know how he's still smiling. "I don't know why you don't like him, and I know I'm not the brightest guy in most rooms but I notice these things too. I somehow missed Himchan and Yongguk happening but they've been that way for so long, I thought it was just them being... them. Old married couple and all. I mean, you didn't really know either, did you? But Daehyun's a really nice guy, you know. You should really give him a chance."

"I know. I know, it's... I guess I can't be rational about Youngjae hyung."

"What do you mean? I mean, I know about your... feelings and stuff -"

"They're together, aren't they? Or getting together."

Jongup frowns. "I didn't know that. They told you this?"

"Daehyun didn't deny it."

"Huh. I guess it kind of makes a bit of sense, now that I think about it."

They both fall silent for a while, leaning against the railing, the cool metal warming underneath their skin. It's always easy with Jongup. Junhong thinks he could have had it better if he'd fallen for his best friend instead, and vice versa. But Jongup is, and has always been, just a friend.

"Maybe this is what's setting you back," says Jongup. "The whole Daehyun ordeal. It's part of this whole shitty deal about being an adult, isn't it? Learning to move forward, trying to be the bigger person, even though it's easy staying bitter. You don't have to be happy for them, but just learn to accept things the way they are? Get to know him, for one thing. Not that I'm saying they really are together because I don't know."

Junhong's eyes widen. "You know, that actually sounds wise..."

"Why do you sound so surprised?!"

****

Somehow, Junhong is convinced by Daehyun and Youngjae to stay an hour longer with them while Jongup leaves with Himchan and Yongguk, who all excuse themselves, saying they have work the next day. Junhong scowls at his so-called best friend, but Jongup shoots back, "I have to be alone with Yongguk hyung and Himchan hyung."

He should have said he has work, too. But Youngjae had looked at him with those eyes of his, and Junhong was weak. To be fair, Daehyun included Junhong in everything when it was just the three of them, even the duets, and had even rested an arm on his shoulder for a moment. They're all standing outside the noraebang building now, ready to leave.

"H-hi... Excuse me, oppa, can I take a picture with you, please?"

Junhong ignores the girl, assuming she's talking to Daehyun, the pop idol. But then he feels a finger press against the side of his arm, and sees Daehyun nudging his head towards the girl, who is watching Junhong with bright eyes, her hand clutching onto a camera phone. There's a weathered, plain black skateboard on the ground beside her. Oh.

"I'm sorry," says Junhong, stepping closer to her. "I didn't realise you were talking to me."

She blinks. "You're Zelo oppa, aren't you? The skateboarder."

"Yeah, I am. Sorry, I thought - never mind, come on, let's take the selca."

Daehyun's face is scrunched in confusion, and Junhong can hear him ask Youngjae: "Did he forget that he's actually a celebrity?"

Junhong wants to laugh, because it's coming from Daehyun of all people, but he channels it into a smile for the camera. He only hopes the bitterness doesn’t seep through.

****

"So how are you getting home?" Daehyun asks.

It dawns on him that Himchan isn't here to drive him home. Never has he wished so hard that he had taken the time to learn how to drive. "I should probably call a cab -"

Youngjae frowns. "What happened to Shiwon-ssi?"

It's Junhong's chauffeur. "He's away for a month. His mother is sick."

"Oh," is all Youngjae says.

"I'll give you a ride then," Daehyun says, waving a hand. "You'll be recognised for sure, and it'll be awkward. Youngjae thinks I'm a terrible driver but he's coming along too. He's been drinking."

His smile is too wide, and the stupid indentations on his face grate on Junhong. Behind him, Youngjae's nodding, like it's the greatest idea, so Junhong thanks Daehyun, a little begrudgingly. Junhong inwardly acknowledges the fact that Daehyun actually is a good guy - Jongup was right. He's probably a better one than Junhong for tolerating his cold shoulder, patient as a saint.

They pull up in front of his house before he realises it.

"Hey, there's Yongguk hyung."

"That's not him," says Junhong. "That's Yongnam hyung."

At least there's something he's better at than Daehyun, other than skateboarding. He waves at Yongnam, who winks and gives him a small salute. Yongnam goes back inside with a pair of shoes in hand, but leaves the front door open for Junhong. When Junhong looks back to the front, Daehyun's saying something about identical twins under his breath, and Youngjae has his teeth between his bottom lip. He decides he doesn't want to know, and steps outside, shuts the car door behind him.

The window rolls down, and they wave at him from the car. Then, he sees Youngjae leaning closer to Daehyun, and laughing at something he says before the car moves again.

"Stupid," Junhong whispers to himself. "I'm so stupid. Accept it. Move on."

****

_He tugs him closer by the sleeve of his shirt, plants a quick kiss on his cheek and laughs when it reddens._

_"You're too cute for your own good."_

****

Yongguk's split with Jieun had been amicable; they're all still good friends, even when the both of them started dating other people. Apparently, she didn’t seem particularly surprised when Yongguk told her about Himchan for the first time. Junhong has always liked Jieun.

She's catching up with Youngjae in the balcony when Daehyun takes a seat beside Junhong.

"So," says Daehyun, eyes apparently on Youngjae. "Can I ask you something?"

Junhong shrugs.

"Why did you assume that girl was talking to me last time? About the picture?"

"You're an idol," Junhong says slowly, like it should be obvious.

Daehyun stares at him. "You do know you're probably more well known in Korea than I am, right? I mean, there are so few Koreans who are pro skaters, and no one else has actually gotten as far as you have. You're their hero."

Junhong digs his heel against the floor. He knows he's pretty popular, for a skater.

"We can't really compare, anyway," says Daehyun. "It's not like we're even in the same field."

Junhong considers his words for a while. "No. No, you're right. You just... met me at a really weird time in my life. With everything happening all at once."

For the first time, the silence that envelops them isn't as heavy.

****

_"I don't think you actually realise it whenever you flirt. I think she likes you, hyung."_

_"Oh. Uh. Oops. She's wasting her time, really..."_

****

He takes the train to Mokpo by himself, entirely on a whim, on a Sunday, the day before his and Yongguk's company launch, and only sends Yongguk and Manager Kang text messages about it about fifteen minutes before the train pulls to a stop at their destination. Yongguk calls, but Junhong doesn't answer; this is a journey he has to take himself.

Mokpo is eerily, more or less, the same. He feels like a bit of a fraud in his custom-made shoes. Junhong doesn't really have a goal in mind, but his feet lead him to a once busy street corner. She is still there, arranging her wares, and looks up when she hears footsteps. Her expression is pinched when she sees him, as if trying to figure something out, and then it morphs to something softer, something Yongguk sends his way sometimes.

"I dream about that good boy sometimes," she says. The lines on her weathered, good natured face are even more numerous now. "That lost little boy who wandered all by himself. When I wake up, I always pray that he is happy, surrounded by loved ones. Is that you, Choi Junhong?"

Junhong stands in front of her stall. "Hello, granny."

"You are so handsome now," she praises, her hand reaching for him. Junhong takes it in his own hands. "He took such good care of you, that boy with the smile. Just like he promised. I told him I would only reveal where he could find you if he promised. I made him promise, did you know?"

He shakes his head, and strokes her hand gently with his thumb. Her skin is papery thin, and marred by scars. The street is slightly busier now, but no one pays them any heed. Junhong is about to say something, tugging slightly at her hand, when she shakes her head.

"I knew this day would come," she says, smiling kindly. "I knew my good boy would come back, and ask me to come with him. I would have scolded you if you had come back when you were still a boy. But I also knew that my answer would be the same, no matter what. My place is here. Junhong, you have a whole life ahead of you. The only thing I ask for is your happiness."

"I'm happy," says Junhong hoarsely. "I'm happy."

She tuts. "I have known you since you were a boy. You are telling the truth, but you are also lying. And I have not lived an entire lifetime for nothing, I know that look on your face. Come, indulge this old, old granny one last time. Is there someone?"

Junhong shakes his head. It's the truth. "I fell in love three years ago. They left. I thought it was for good, all signs pointed to him never coming back. Because of me. And life went on okay without them... But now they're back when my company asked him to.

He waits a beat. "It was easier when he was gone."

"Did you ever think why? Why they came back at all? When you asked him to?"

"My company asked him," Junhong corrects her, shaking his head once more. "It was professional... It doesn't matter. It's been three years. They… they love another now."

The granny slaps his hand lightly. "You are not even truly certain at all, are you? Granny has loved, and been loved before. I thought my love was in vain, and almost lost her to a loveless marriage, but when she came to my wedding, I confessed and she took me away. We ran and ran, and hid here, in Mokpo."

Years ago, she had told Junhong so many stories, both real and fiction, but not this one. She says it so calmly, utterly void of fear of judgement. Junhong stares at her. For all the years she had practically raised him here, on the streets, there is still so much he doesn't know about her.

"She died a year before I found you," she says, eyes soft, nostalgic. "I only have two regrets: never seeing my parents again before they died, and nearly giving up on the love of my life. My parents only meant well, like most parents do. Even yours, you know."

"What about your fiancé?" Junhong doesn't want to think of his birth parents.

Her expression darkens in a way he has never seen before. "He was rough with me, controlling. Even before our engagement. I only stayed because marrying him seemed like the right thing to do. I shudder to think of what my life would have been like if I had been too afraid of the consequences if she did not return my feelings. But enough of me. I am old now, and have lived an entire life. My chapter is almost over. Here, take this packet of kimbap with you."

Junhong accepts it, knowing resistance would be futile. It's still warm.

"I would have taken you in, cared for you as my own if I could," she says, squeezing his hand.

"No, you did, granny. You did. Thank you."

****

_"Hyung, trust me, I'm not going to let go. Come on, move the skateboard already."_

_"Yeah but what if the both of us fall anyway?"_

****

"I call bullshit," says Daehyun, laughing. "It's all a ploy to get the girls to swoon."

The rest of the company launch had all gone according to plan smoothly, and it's the night of the gala. Somehow, Himchan managed to finagle last minute invitations out of Yongguk for both Daehyun and Youngjae even though they had all already been finalised a month before Youngjae's return. Junhong doesn't want to know how he does it.

"Men," Jieun says, smacking Daehyun lightly. "No empathy at all. I don't know, the guys I know personally don't stay in love for years, I guess. But it's not hard to believe the stories. That idol could be different. Ten years, in love with the same girl. I guess girls have it harder in general, we don't really forget very easily."

Junhong digs his fingers into his other arm. "I don't know. It depends. Love is a funny thing."

They look at him, waiting for him to continue. Youngjae is fiddling with his phone a little ways off.

"When even mothers," Junhong says, almost a whisper; he doesn't want Youngjae to hear. "Who's supposed to love you forever, leave their babies with nothing but a pile of blankets, it's a little hard to tell how long anyone - men or women - can love you."

"Sometimes I forget you're not a kid anymore," says Jieun, as she clasps a hand over his.

Daehyun smiles weakly, sympathetic. "But that's a different kind of love..."

"Love is love, though, isn't it? Sorry, I'm being morbid."

The phone in his pocket vibrates. It's a text message from Youngjae; he didn't know he had his number. Junhong looks up to catch his eye, but Youngjae has already disappeared, so he excuses himself and walks away before he opens it.

> _3 years. You speak soft, but your words cut. Three years. I haven't forgotten. When you told me that story, I asked you, 'How could anyone not love Choi Junhong?' How could anyone stop loving Choi Junhong? I couldn't. Can't. It's been three long years, and I still love you._

Junhong's mind is reeling. The ground beneath him doesn't feel so still anymore. He barely registers Yongnam and Jongup asking if he's okay. He shakes his head. He needs air.

****

It's cold out. His chest burns as he sucks in the chilly air, and then he sees him.

****

Youngjae used to say that he would never have the time or patience to learn how to drive. He'd get someone else to drive for him, instead. But then again, Youngjae used to say a lot of things.

They've been driving in silence for so long, that they've reached a remarkably empty stretch of road, illuminated only by street lights. Youngjae finally pulls over to a stop. Junhong doesn't recognise their surroundings. He turns to Youngjae, who is picking at his own fingernails, phone sitting in between his thighs on his seat. It's a weird place to put one's phone, but the things Youngjae does these days tend not to make much sense.

"Did you mean what you said?" asks Junhong, quietly. He's afraid of the answer.

Youngjae nods, but he won't look at him. Junhong feels like screaming, crying, is this close to breaking something, anything just to make him look at him, so he leans over, cups his face with both of his hands and kisses him, just like Youngjae did three years ago.

Only they're both sober, older now, and Youngjae makes this soft, pained noise when he kisses back, hand coming up to slide behind Junhong's neck. The kisses are past any semblance of innocence; Junhong's toes curl inwardly when Youngjae's teeth scrape slightly against his tongue, and he wants more. His fingers are pressed firmly against the side of Youngjae's face; he's frightened of what would happen if he doesn't have a hold on it anymore.

He doesn't know how long they've been kissing, but too soon, Youngjae is pulling away. Junhong panics, and presses his fingers slightly harder against Youngjae's cheekbones, as though it could keep him from running away, again, but Youngjae doesn't go far. His nose brushes against the groove between Junhong's nose and upper lip, and Junhong can feel his warm breath on his chin. Junhong's own body is angled awkwardly across the dashboard, but he doesn't want to move; not when he finally has Youngjae right where he wants him, right where he can feel the warmth of his skin, right here.

"This is going to sound really, really stupid," Youngjae whispers, laughing hollowly. "It's so stupid. And I deserved it. But it hurt a lot when you unfollowed me on Instagram."

"I unfollowed everyone." The answer comes easily to Junhong.

Youngjae smiles wanly, unconvinced, so Junhong bends down to kiss it away.

"I tried to hook up with someone else," Youngjae says, leaning upwards so his lips brush against Junhong's with every movement. "When I was in Japan after that happened. But I couldn't do it. All I saw whenever I closed my eyes was your face."

"Hyung." Junhong can't take it anymore; he's tugging Youngjae to him, who clambers over and straddles him in his seat. It's cramped, obviously not manufactured to fit two fully grown men. But Youngjae clings onto him, and Junhong responds in kind.

"Are you mad at me for leaving?"

"I was... But I was scared, too."

"I'm sorry, Junhong. I'm so sorry."

"I thought you'd moved on," says Junhong quietly. "I thought you and Daehyun -"

Youngjae huffs a laugh. "Daehyun is straight. He's been making eyes at Jieun all week."

Junhong holds Youngjae away by his shoulders, eyes wide. "What?"

"That was my reaction, too, actually," Youngjae admits. "He's kind of really touchy feely, isn't he? I kind of tried to hit on him when we first met. Ended up just being really good friends. Also, I might've kind of tried to make you jealous, and he played along a little."

"Well, it worked. He watched me skate alone for close to an hour. And when did you even learn how to drive? You were awful."

Youngjae laughs again, but this time it's the full-bodied, loud kind that Junhong has always known and loved; Junhong wants to bottle that laugh, preserve it, keep it in a high security safe. "It took me so many tries. I think they finally took pity on me the fifth time. And I didn't have anything to do with that but... Daehyun insisted that you still had feelings for me after that day, but I didn't believe him. I couldn't believe him. It's been so long... I don't deserve you anymore."

"I did," Junhong confesses. "I do. And no, you don't. But I'm going to let you try anyway."

****

_"Get off me, hyung. You're heavy."_

_"Nope. Too comfy. You're a good pillow."_

****

"Daehyun is straight?"

Junhong shrugs. He still doesn't believe it either, judging by the way Daehyun seems to flirt with every single boy he meets, except for Junhong; but he's frankly too happy to care, because even though Youngjae is conversing with Daehyun at the opposite end of the room, he keeps stealing glances at Junhong, smiling like the first time Junhong had put an arm around him, every single time he's caught. He feels giddy.

Youngjae is his.

Himchan is still ranting. "Maybe I've started assuming everyone is gay until proven straight. But I mean it would make far more sense for him to be bisexual or pansexual, or whatever the kids are calling it these days. But straight? Everything I know is a lie."

"At least you won't be having fantasies about him anymore," Yongguk mutters.

"You actually wish, Bang Yongguk," says Himchan, and then lowers his voice. "But I am so into straight boys. I like the challenge. Once I got a straight boy to kiss me. He loved it."

Yongguk scowls into his beer. At this point, Junhong is sure Himchan does this on purpose.

"Anyway," Himchan's looking at Junhong. "I'm glad the two of you got your heads out of your asses, you and Youngjae both. And I am so proud of my boyfriend for not interfering anymore. Congratulations, your son is a man now. Now I need to find a nice boy for my Jongup. Or girl. Totally up to you."

Jongup blinks once, then slowly backs away.

****

_"Here, this one's my favourite. The lens stays open longer, so more light can enter, even though it's all dark out, and the camera can capture a really, really beautiful image in the end. But it needs more time, and you have to be steady."_

****

It's cruel, really. Time. They'd only just gotten together, barely had the time to relearn their familiar ways, and get used to the unfamiliar. Anyone could be watching them here, at the airport. But there's no point in holding back anymore; they've both felt the sting of lost time far too keenly. Junhong delayed going in for as long as possible, bargained with Yongguk for more time, but now, he has to go.

Yongguk squeezes his shoulder quickly from behind. "Come on, Junhong."

It's only temporary. A week, and he'll see Youngjae again. He'll wake up to Youngjae's text messages, and Youngjae himself whenever either of them thinks they can get away with it. Not three years, or more. Not anymore.

"You can take me to Mokpo when you're back," says Youngjae, leaning up towards his ear.

"Yeah," Junhong whispers back, and holds him tighter. "We'll go when I come home."

****

_"You never did answer my question, you know. Did you miss me?"_

_"What do you think?"_


End file.
